by EMILY ORTON

What if your sweetheart has a different dream than you?

My friend got a surprise invite to join a group of guys in the Alps for a week of hiking Mt. Blanc, which lies along the French-Italian border and reaches into Switzerland. It’s not an adventure you can march into on adrenaline alone. You have to be fit to take on this terrain. Fortunately, my friend has a habit of running five miles every day and lifting weights. When the opportunity popped up he was prepared.

He came home with stories. There were some dangerous moments. I was vicariously stoked. I imagined what I would do with the same opportunity. I disregarded the fact that I only walk 2 miles each day and pump out 20 pushups 50% of the time. The views would be stark and stunning.

I was all in…until I heard how his wife spent that same week. First of all, she had no interest in hiking Mt. Blanc. She wished him all the best and fully enjoyed having the house entirely to herself for a week. She emptied all of the kitchen cabinets, cleaned and reorganized everything.

Ooooh. That sounds good, too. I might prefer the luxury of unimpeded home organization and non-stop podcasts to an alpine ascent. Not that it was my choice to make—I have three kids still at home.

My indecision surprised Erik. There was no contest for him. He’d pack his pickaxe in a heartbeat—if he had a pickaxe. Guess what? We’re different. People say that after so many years of marriage, I don’t know how many years but we’ve been married for 24, you start to look, sound, and act like your spouse. Erik and I are very different.

This month we had our Mt. Blanc moment. Erik planned a trip to Patagonia. It’s been on his to-do list for 30 years. I hoped he would adjust his vision to a location with fewer variables. He wasn’t interested. These towers have been his phone screensaver since he climbed El Cap in 2018. If Erik makes a goal his screensaver, he makes it happen.

Scouting the dream, Los Torres del paine national park in real life

Rather than taking the entire family to slog it out in unpredictable weather, I suggested a scouting trip. Erik took SJ as his figure-it-out buddy. In the first week they learned by trial and error where to fly, when to take the bus, where to safely store luggage, where to rent a car, where to sleep indoors, where to sleep outdoors, and how to get a climbing permit.

They met the owner of a rock gym who is currently writing a climbing guidebook for the area. He gave Erik and SJ the latest topographical maps for the climbs he was interested in. It rained a lot and they hiked so much that SJ can’t currently lift her legs without some assistance from her hands.

Meanwhile, back at the Awesome Factory, which is what we call our apartment, I’m reorganizing. I repainted the kid’s room. Next, I’ll be sorting through all of my books, which are a lot of books because we homeschool our kids. I’m also doing the regular school, home and church routines with special emphasis on Eli and Lily’s favorite games and foods. And I stay up too late reading without feeling guilty.

We don’t always share the same dream. We can show our love by supporting each other’s dreams. Resisting your partner’s dream could lead to resentment as Erik wrote in his post, Because Your Dream Matter. Supporting your sweetheart’s dreams can strengthen your bond. Here are a few ways I’ve learned to do that.

You can Be the place where your sweetheart’s dreams grow Photo by Fallon Michael on Unsplash

Three Ways to Love Your Spouse

When You Don’t Share Their Dream

1. Hold your peace

After expressing your legitimate concerns, if your loved one still wants to do this dream, don’t make negative comments about it. This includes sarcastic comments—joking not joking; nagging—continual reminders that you lack trust; belittling the dream to your loved one or others—calling it crazy, hare-brained or dangerous. This is not where love grows.

2. Give your blessing

Praise your loved one’s commitment. Let him or her know that you’re glad they are doing something that’s important to them. Let him or her know it’s worth tapping your shared resources to make their dream happen. Help them prepare. This is where love grows.

3. Show up

If your loved one is halfway around the world, like mine, you can show up in daily texts. Even when Erik and SJ are off-grid I send positive messages daily. If you can be with there in person—be there. Bring a sign to the marathon. Make a sandwich for the writing author. Take pictures of the performance. When you post, pick the picture that makes your loved one look good.

Incredible to share this blurry surreal moment on video-chat this week

To the Dreamer

Express your gratitude for your spouse’s support in-person and text messages. If you’re on social media it’s a nice touch to shout out your loved one for supporting your dreams there, too. Most important, when the shoe is on the other foot and your partner has a dream that’s not your specific thing, hold your peace, give your blessing and show up for them.

Disclaimer

If your spouse’s dream requires a move, job change or redefinition of your relationship, that’s a bigger discussion.

Before we turned in the final manuscript for Seven at Sea, Glen asked me if my skin was thick enough to handle all the criticism that would come when our book was published. My answer: Nope. Erik and I kicked off 2020 with Glen Nelson of The Center’s Studio Podcast where we dug into the story behind the book. And how the lessons we learned living on a sailboat continue to unfold. We’ll hope you’ll enjoy this conversation.

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As Seven at Sea approaches it’s first birthday, we are so grateful to everyone who has messaged us about how this book encouraged or inspired you to live more boldly. Thank you for reaching out. And special thanks to those who have shared reviews on Amazon. We’re humbled to have 76 reviews holding steady at 4.5 stars. Wow. Your words mean so much to us. Thank you for sharing. If you haven’t left a review yet, please do. We’d love to hear from you!