Did your wishes for more family time just morph into too much togetherness? That 45-minute commute with an audiobook or podcast is looking pretty good right now.

Widespread social distancing is keeping our loved ones close for who knows how long? Here are a few ideas to speed up and smooth the transition so you can make the most of your time together while it lasts.

Our family of seven bootstrapped a year on a 38’ sailboat. Erik and I wrote a memoir detailing our family dream; how we came up with the idea, what we sacrificed to make it possible and what we learned as we lived it.

Happy one-year birthday, Seven at Sea!

Writing the book was harder than living on the boat. We worked even more closely together – more time, more communication, more decisions. Our writing schedule required more coordination with the whole family.

Since then, we’ve traveled the world for the better part of the last three years sharing close spaces with our kids. Now, five of us are staying in our 800 sq. foot apartment to mitigate the spread of Covid19 in New York City.

Expectations

The first step to adapting to new circumstances is acknowledging that things are different. Gather with your family and say, “This is not what we were planning on.” Identify and discuss all the unmet expectations.

What are you missing out on?
How do you feel about it?
Is there anything we can do together?

Our daughter, Karina, has been working towards her university degree for five years. She was supposed to cap and gown her way across the big stage. Well, you know what happened there. No gatherings. No group celebrations. No cross-country trip to cheer her on. No cap. No gown. That’s not what we were expecting.

Empathy

Empathy is the foundation for understanding. Empathy will cultivate a spirit of unity no matter what size your family is. Karina had a brief emotional spike when the official email came canceling graduation. We commiserated. I suggested starting the hashtag #[schoolname]2020virtualgraduation for a digital convocation of sorts. Karina is making plans. She’s moving past disappointment. We all are, which is easier to do once you’ve acknowledged the unmet expectation.

What Next?

Acknowledging disappointment clears the deck for imagining a new future based on our new reality. Next, identify how you’d like things to go.

What makes your day feel successful?

What routines should stay the same?

What routines should we change?

For example, lots of kids get their daily hugs as they leave for or return from school. When are those hugs going to happen now? That’s an important ritual for parents and kids—even teenagers. Maybe daily hugs aren’t built into your current routine. This could be the perfect time to add them—or any other interaction, project, or division of responsibilities that might strengthen your relationships and serve your family needs.

We had this conversation with our at-home kids when Erik and I committed to co-write a memoir. Our roles, hours, and availability changed. The whole family cooperated and coordinated to cover all of the necessary bases. Even though we spent more hours apart, participating in a common purpose brought us together in gratitude.

Keep Talking

After that initial discussion, keep talking. On a 38’ sailboat, I learned that proximity is not the same as closeness and what my kids want from me most is to be heard and encouraged. Our kids tease, “You don’t know my life.” It’s true. I learned not to assume that I had all the details because I am not a mind reader.

Lack of personal privacy is one of the first frustrations to arise in times of togetherness. You may consider carving out one-on-one time. If “How are you doing?” doesn’t get to the heart of the matter, here are a few less invasive questions that may elicit some clues about your loved ones.

If you had a room all to yourself with everything you needed to make all of your dreams come true, what would be in that room?
If you could instantly download any skills into your brain and be able to do them perfectly, what skills would you download?
What do you want more of? What do you want less of?
What do you want more of from me? What do you want less of from me?
What is your favorite way to spend time with me?
What is your favorite way to spend time as a family?
When your life goes back to normal, what do you hope will be different?

Claim Family Time

One thing that surprised me most about moving aboard a boat is that family time didn’t happen automatically. Sure, we’d prepared for years learning to sail. We prepared for months to leave our home, work, and community. Our goal was always to make memories as a family. But even out there on a 38’ boat where we didn’t know anybody and we weren’t going anywhere, we had to schedule family time. If we didn’t, it didn’t happen. We drifted near each other or past each other.

Family time does not happen by accident. You have to decide on a time and place it’s going to happen. You have to let your family know. You have to remind them. Then you have to call them together when the time comes. If you want family time, you have to claim it.

Grace

The more your family is home together, the more opportunities for friction you will have. It’s easy to get annoyed in close quarters over time-get snarky, sarcastic, or offended. Speak up when you feel this way or ask a broody loved one how they are doing.

Apologize quickly and ask forgiveness. You can’t choose how someone else will respond to you. But I haven’t seen anything calm upset faster than a sincere request for forgiveness. It’s equally empowering to share how you would like to feel. For example, I’m feeling defensive and I want to be open; or I’m feeling distant and I want to feel close.

Celebrate

More time together means more time for the good stuff—more ‘a-ha’ moments and tiny triumphs. More inside jokes. More shared memories. If you’re sitting out this virus together, you’re okay to give those extra high fives, fist bumps, and hugs.

My hope is that when the time comes to return to your pre-virus routines you’ll already be eagerly planning the next time you’ll be able to get your family together for a solid week or more.

Looking forward to having this whole crew together sometime after May 1…who knows when, exactly? -St. Maarten 2014 - Photo by Ty Lamont Mecham

$7 off orders over $20 Code: 7 off

To celebrate the 1-year birthday of our book, Seven at Sea, we are offering a $7 discount on all orders over $20 in our Fezywig Shop. (Use code: 7OFF.) Let our new “What Could Go Right?” cozy mug cheer you up.

If you’re hunkering down for a quarantine (like us in New York City) it’s the perfect time to read a travel book.

Travel Safe: Stay home + read a book